Anyway I was thinking over the weekend about an interesting paradox. When we subscribe to cable TV we usually subscribe to certain channels and leave out the bad ones. Of course we do this because it would be silly to have bad channels easily accessible on TV for no reason. However, even though the internet is also like the TV, we treat it very differently. We don’t subscribe to certain websites(channels) but instead we get the entire internet then it is our job to try and block all the channels(websites) in our homes. All the while porn sites and companies make it more and more impossible to block all of them. See the paradox in how we treat TV and Internet so differently even though they are basically the same thing when it comes to entertainment? So we should all be protecting ourselves from the bad stuff on the internet, not just those addicted to porn. This is also true with phones these days since it sits around in our homes and can easily access any material.

I no longer feel so weak that I want to go out and seek porn outside the home like before. Now I feel like protective measures at home are enough. However, porn is like alcohol, if I had a bottle of alcohol in my refrigerator right now then I would eventually give in and drink it. So people who are recovering cannot have porn easily accessible on the TV, the Internet, or even their phones, especially during the post acute withdrawal symptoms, which can last for several months or more.

**Update**

Good news by the way. I was very frustrated last weekend because I couldn’t get an internet filter working on my Blackberry phone. As it turns out Blackberry does not support any filtering. So I went and bought a new phone yesterday, a Google Andriod phone. The Verizon content filter worked on it but it was all or nothing. In other words it filters everything good with the strict settings and the other settings let too much through. Anyway, I was mad because I bought an expensive phone thinking it was going to be safe. So I searched around and finally found a way to make the phone safe. I found a monitoring program that works similar to covenanteyes but it also works on Andriod phones. It is here: http://x3watch.com/x3watchandroid.html

Anyway, there is no way to make a Blackberry safe. Andriods and Iphones can use the program I mentioned above.

This frustrating effort to protect myself from all sources of bad media has led me to a conclusion. People who are struggling with bad media should not be surfing the internet in privacy. 1. Even if they have a filter, in a moment of weakness they will find a way around it. 2. Relapse ends up being much longer than it should since an accountability partner would have helped the person stand back up and try again instead of secretly binging and getting more discouraged and weak.

So a filter coupled with some type of monitoring that emails a partner your browsing activities should do the trick.

1. My number one recommendation would be to get an internet filter with an accountability feature. Out of all the programs out there I would recommend a program called Covenant Eyes. Don’t let the name confuse you, this is simple a robust internet filter with monitoring and reporting capability. The big deterrent is that you have an accountability partner who receives a weekly report showing all the web sites you have visited. This software also notifies your accountability partner when you uninstall the software. This can really curb a porn addiction.

2. If you have administrator rights on the computer then it might be a good idea to have a more restricted account. For example, my wife has the password to the administrator account and I have a restricted account. This just means I can’t add or remove programs such as the monitoring software.

3. If you don’t like having a restricted account then you could just share half of the password with someone for the administrator account so you’re only on the web when someone is around.

4. All this physical restrictions are great ideas but it would also be a good idea to just set some realistic personal boundaries you know you could live by. For example, deciding not to be on the internet after 9pm. This helps in a couple of ways. First, the more tired you are the more weaker you feel and the more likely you are to give into the temptation of porn. So you could decide to only spend so many hours on the web a day, or only be on the web when someone is around or when you’re in a public place like a book store. Any personal boundaries you think might help are great. They are personal and yours so don’t let what others say or think about them bother you.

5. Lastly, if you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work and you continue to look at porn then it may be time to make a big sacrifice for the sake of saving your character from eventual complete deterioration. You may have to get rid of the internet all together or restrict access to very  limited occasions. This is certainly not easy in today’s world and that would be a well thought out decision. Just remember, nothing is more important than self-mastery and it takes a lot of strength to make tough decisions like this.

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Indeed there does come a time for the porn addict to make some tough choices. A time to decide what is most important and take the necessary steps without delay. To some these choices may seem extreme but to you they will be honorable and necessary. It will seem as if you’re willing to do what most people are not.

What am I talking about? Well, if you are addicted to porn right now and you have unrestricted(unfiltered and unmonitored) access to the Internet right now then that needs to change. The software I would recommend is called Covenant Eyes. If restricting access still isn’t enough then you need to get rid of the Internet all together. If your work requires you to use the Internet for you and that has been a big weak point for you then it may be time to consider a new occupation. Trust me, I’m well aware of the difficulty of making such decisions. I myself have had to change careers and restrict access to the internet while suffering financially. I did have to wait until I was in a financial position to do so.

Although changing the external environment was never enough to free myself from porn addiction it was necessary. I was never going to rehabilitate so long as I had easy access to my drug of choice. What would happen is I would change my thoughts and control my passions for a period of time but not change my external environment. I would have success for a week or two but then the sexual urges would return in full force as they always do for the body was designed in such a manner. At that point I was still not strong enough to be in an environment with too much temptation. I could see that the missing ingredient was a safer external environment and then I would be able to have more success. So I restricted internet access at home and changed occupations.

I cannot stress enough that changing the external environment will never be enough only part of the equation. You must change internallyas well to have true success. So take a look at your life and be honest with yourself about what needs to change for you to have real success. It will probably take some sacrifices but your reward will be a very fulfilling life in which you are in control. While comtemplating what changes you may need to make in your life it would help to pray and ask God what He thinks. Perhaps He could cause thoughts to come to your mind that you did not previously consider.

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The most important thing to keep in mind when you veture out to start new hobbies or do service for others is it may feel awkward at first. It won’t feel very comfortable since it will be quite the contrast to the dark and unclean life of addiction. Also, it may require more effort than your addiction. You may have to force yourself to get up and out of the house. It may be difficult at first but you’ll always be happy you did afterwards.

Service Ideas

Doing service for others has so many benefits. Its quite therapuetic for the person who has been only thinking of themsleves for some time. Its such a refreshing feeling to get out of the house and do something for somebody, anybody. That feeling is called love and its something addiction has been stealing from you over time.

I personally would make myself do service even if it was the last thing I wanted to do. I knew it would have some kind of benefit. I was always glad I did afterwards.

There are no limits to service. You can do anything to help others. Money is not required. usually giving of time is appreciated more any way. There are so many people out there that need help or just need a friend. Anytime there are people around you it is guaranteed one of them if not all need a friend.

Here are some servive ideas:

-Visit a retirement home for 10, 20, 30 minutes and just talk to and listen to random people. I would force myself to do this and found residents had very interesting stories.

-Get a trash bad and go pick up some trash at a park. The only person that has to know you did something good is you.

-Check out Unitedway.org for your local area. They always have plenty of service opportunities

-Join handsonnetwork.org They have city specific websites for the larger cities. I used this service a lot. They have an online calendar of activites and you can sign up for as much as you like.

-Check out Habitat for Humanity’s site at habitat.org and go help build a house for poor people. I found this fun and I know nothing about building houses. They are happy to show you what to do.

-One of my favorite sites is actsofkindness.org which gives you many ideas to do something nice for somebody every day. Try it!

Hobbies

Everyone has talents. Many times people have talents that they just aren’t aware of yet. Addiction suppresses everything good, including your talents. It may have caused you to neglect your talents or delay discovering them. Talents are usually manifested in the form of hobbies. Hobbies are things you do to enjoy life and contribute to the world around you.

If you have forgotten what you have a passion for or have yet to discover your passion then here are some ideas. If you’re still not sure then just try experiementing with some of these and see what you like.

-Sports. I found I loved raquetball and football. So I joined some amateur leagues in my city.

-Running. Many people love to run. I learned to like it as well since I learned so much about my character. If you’re not a runner then start small and work your way up every week.

-Art. Get out and draw some scenery or paint a landscape. Show your work off in galleries or give it to family and friends

-Music. I never played any instruments growing up so I thought it was too late for me to learn. Not true. I saw an infomercial one night on TV for a guitar with lessons. So I purchased and started practicing. Tada! New hobby and I love it!

-Animals. Besides being great companions and company they can help you get out of the house and get active.

-Start a blog about something you are passionate about. There are many free services but wordpress.com is a great one.

-Golf. I decided to give this a try but decided I like the driving range better than the course. S every Saturday morning I would just take my cheap driver and bad form and go have a blast hitting balls at the driving range just to see how far I could hit them.

-Go hiking. Nothing like the great outdoors to take away the stress of life and put everything into perspective.

-Check out community classes at the local college and learn something new or interesting

-Help others struggling with addiction.

-Just search for hobby ideas in Google and go try something new. It is never too late for something new

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I would like to tell you about my quest for the perfect environment. This story will be quite revealing about things I usually don’t talk about since people sometimes have a natural tendency to judge people based on their past. However I feel I can only talk around the details so much without taking away from the full effect of the story.

So here it is. Once upon a time I had a porn addiction  for years. The addiction made me a different person and it ruined two marriages. These were good women and I was mostly to blame for the failure of the marriage, especially the first one. Because of the loss I experienced and my admitting I was out of control, I was humbled. I hate admitting it took that to humble me but it’s true.

So I set out to change but as anyone addicted to pornography will tell you, any kind of media that is sexually provocative or pushing the boudaries in any way can trigger a relapse. So I decided I would control my environment as much as possible to make it easier to stay “sober”. I quickly found this is not the easiest thing to do. First of all, my career involved working with computers and this was quite the temptation for me. In fact, most of the time I could stay away from pornography most of the time but it was always a problem at work and so that would lead me to seek it out at other times as well. I tried everything with computers. I shared half of the password with my wife so I would only be on while she was around, I put filters on the computer, and I even got rid of the computer several times. I always found an excuse to get another one and I always found a way around filters and passwords. In fact, this addiction made me quite the computer guru, certainly nothing to brag about.

After my divorce I roomed sometimes with friends or just found someone willing to share an apartment. The problem with that is I could not control the environment. I didn’t want to live by myself because I would just start to feel bored and lonely and give into temptations anyway. This was such a frustrating dillema for me. I opted to live with people and try to control the environment as much as possible. Well, this day in age everyone has internet and cable TV in their homes and these things were huge temptations. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to live like the Amish(though sometimes I wondered if this was best) but I was trying my best to make my environment as least tempting as possible. Sometimes roommates cooperated and understood and other times they didn’t.

One roommate in particular was quite a bit younger than me and could care less whether or not I had a weakness. There were some things on cable TV that came on during the late hours that triggered my addiction and caused me to go seek out more revealing media. I understood this wasn’t a problem for him but I desparately wanted to stop. So, I talked to him about getting rid of the TV or asking him to not watch channels that were sexually provocative. Well, he got defensive and insisted there was nothing wrong with what he was watching. So I decided to take matters into my own hands. I don’t reccommend this by the way. I decided to get rid of the cable on my own. So I unscrewed the cable jack panel from the wall and cut the cable behind the panel so he couldn’t see. Then I screwed the panel back on the wall. Then I typed up a letter from the cable company stating that the cable would not work for a couple months and left it on the door for him to find. It was quite a funny letter and ending saying “Please don’t call and thank you for your paiteince as we work on giving you a better cable experience”. So he came home and was upset when he got the letter but didn’t think there was anything he could do about it. Cable was free in our apartment so he wasn’t worried about any bills.

The stories go on and on about how I tried to create the perfect environment. I really felt like I couldn’t change unless I could give myself some time to gain some strength. I felt like I couldn’t gey strong so long as my environment was too tempting. This was partly true and can be compared to rehab. People go to rehap to have a controlled environment away from their drug of choice and get counseling. This time helps them to gain strength before they enter the world of temptations again.

I found out the hard way that no matter how much I changed my external environment I was not changing on the inside. Yes, we should work to make our homes and work environment as safe as possible from the things that bring us down. We should also put as much if not more effort into changing what’s on the inside otherwise even the perfect environment, which does not exist, would not be enough.

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