Anyway I was thinking over the weekend about an interesting paradox. When we subscribe to cable TV we usually subscribe to certain channels and leave out the bad ones. Of course we do this because it would be silly to have bad channels easily accessible on TV for no reason. However, even though the internet is also like the TV, we treat it very differently. We don’t subscribe to certain websites(channels) but instead we get the entire internet then it is our job to try and block all the channels(websites) in our homes. All the while porn sites and companies make it more and more impossible to block all of them. See the paradox in how we treat TV and Internet so differently even though they are basically the same thing when it comes to entertainment? So we should all be protecting ourselves from the bad stuff on the internet, not just those addicted to porn. This is also true with phones these days since it sits around in our homes and can easily access any material.

I no longer feel so weak that I want to go out and seek porn outside the home like before. Now I feel like protective measures at home are enough. However, porn is like alcohol, if I had a bottle of alcohol in my refrigerator right now then I would eventually give in and drink it. So people who are recovering cannot have porn easily accessible on the TV, the Internet, or even their phones, especially during the post acute withdrawal symptoms, which can last for several months or more.

**Update**

Good news by the way. I was very frustrated last weekend because I couldn’t get an internet filter working on my Blackberry phone. As it turns out Blackberry does not support any filtering. So I went and bought a new phone yesterday, a Google Andriod phone. The Verizon content filter worked on it but it was all or nothing. In other words it filters everything good with the strict settings and the other settings let too much through. Anyway, I was mad because I bought an expensive phone thinking it was going to be safe. So I searched around and finally found a way to make the phone safe. I found a monitoring program that works similar to covenanteyes but it also works on Andriod phones. It is here: http://x3watch.com/x3watchandroid.html

Anyway, there is no way to make a Blackberry safe. Andriods and Iphones can use the program I mentioned above.

This frustrating effort to protect myself from all sources of bad media has led me to a conclusion. People who are struggling with bad media should not be surfing the internet in privacy. 1. Even if they have a filter, in a moment of weakness they will find a way around it. 2. Relapse ends up being much longer than it should since an accountability partner would have helped the person stand back up and try again instead of secretly binging and getting more discouraged and weak.

So a filter coupled with some type of monitoring that emails a partner your browsing activities should do the trick.

Alcohol is a bit easier for people to understand when it comes to analyzing an addiction. Its simple right, you’re putting a substance in the body that is unhealthy. Typically, anything that is unhealthy physically is also unhealthy mentally as you are not feeling the best you could. So how is pornography or masturbation similar to this?

If you agree that porn or masturbation can be addictive then you agree that they are not right for your mental and physical health. In other words they are foreign to a healthy lifestyle in general and cause more pain than excitement. Anything introduced to the mind is introduced to the body. When you engage in mentally unhealthy activities you will experience both mental and physical consequences. These consequences are usually in the form of some level of depression or lethargy.

So why build the case that porn is a depressant? The reason is that you can get “stuck in a rut” and not understand why. Alcoholics continue to drink because they have a continuous feeling of depression and start to believe there is no other way to relieve said depression other than to have another drink. The same applies to porn or masturbation. You feel low shortly after acting out or the next day and return to the only source of fast acting temporary excitement you know. Drugs and alcohol are not addicting because they cause pain. They are addicting because they are a constant cycle of temporary rushes and let downs.

There is a way out of this miserable cycle. It’s certainly not easy but it’s also not as difficult as you may think. In fact I would compare it, at least for some people, to trying to motivate yourself to go to the gym every day. Not easy but once you get in the rhythm of a routine you find it easier.

Just like with alcohol or drugs there is a detox and readjustment period you need to endure before gaining freedom from strong urges to return to the drug of choice. This period of time usually seems unbearable to most and hence the biggest reason for staying in the addictive cycle. The interesting thing is the body is very adaptive and can readjust itself in a matter of days or weeks. This doesn’t mean the fight is over but perhaps easier than before. There is always the possibility of relapsing if you get lazy, similar to getting lazy with your gym routine.

One biological fact I should point that may contribute to the depression associated with viewing pornography and masturbating is that studies have shown that about 4 times more prolactin(the hormone that relaxes you after orgasm) is released during orgasm with a commited sexual partner(spouse) than when orgasm is done alone. This contribues both to the addictive factor and the discontent factor since you’re not using the body as it was designed to be used. The reason for this is emotions. Emotions, even in guys, are a huge part of a sexual bond and a “full” orgasm. Without the proper emotional connection you are missing a huge part of the equation in a truly satisfying sexual bond. You are essentially trying to fulfill a desire and void within with something that will never satisfy you. Hence the addiction cycle.

If you do not work out your emotions and thoughts then you will return to your vices. I will focus on thoughts for a moment here since everything stems from them, including emotions. I was reading an interesting article today written by Jonathan Leger titled “Think low and you will stay low”. This article highlighted the importance of overcoming mental barriers before you can overcome physical one. If you were to do this in the opposite order you would just return to what you have not worked out in your heart and mind and the cycle would repeat itself.

So you want to know how to stop porn addiction or any addiction. Start believing in yourself first because there is nothing that you cannot overcome if you believe and persevere. This is the first step and is very necessary. Stop all the negative self talk and start building yourself up with positive thoughts that cause you to believe in yourself no matter how many mistakes you have made.

1. My number one recommendation would be to get an internet filter with an accountability feature. Out of all the programs out there I would recommend a program called Covenant Eyes. Don’t let the name confuse you, this is simple a robust internet filter with monitoring and reporting capability. The big deterrent is that you have an accountability partner who receives a weekly report showing all the web sites you have visited. This software also notifies your accountability partner when you uninstall the software. This can really curb a porn addiction.

2. If you have administrator rights on the computer then it might be a good idea to have a more restricted account. For example, my wife has the password to the administrator account and I have a restricted account. This just means I can’t add or remove programs such as the monitoring software.

3. If you don’t like having a restricted account then you could just share half of the password with someone for the administrator account so you’re only on the web when someone is around.

4. All this physical restrictions are great ideas but it would also be a good idea to just set some realistic personal boundaries you know you could live by. For example, deciding not to be on the internet after 9pm. This helps in a couple of ways. First, the more tired you are the more weaker you feel and the more likely you are to give into the temptation of porn. So you could decide to only spend so many hours on the web a day, or only be on the web when someone is around or when you’re in a public place like a book store. Any personal boundaries you think might help are great. They are personal and yours so don’t let what others say or think about them bother you.

5. Lastly, if you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work and you continue to look at porn then it may be time to make a big sacrifice for the sake of saving your character from eventual complete deterioration. You may have to get rid of the internet all together or restrict access to very  limited occasions. This is certainly not easy in today’s world and that would be a well thought out decision. Just remember, nothing is more important than self-mastery and it takes a lot of strength to make tough decisions like this.

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I speak from experience on this one. Some days will seem easy. You’ll be able to easily resist temptation in a relaxed manner. These are the days you’ve desired to have for a long time, so when they come you feel relieved and happy. But you must remember that this will only be true on some days. Most days, all your life, will require work. They will require you to exert your physical and mental energies to stay clean. We must not be lured into thinking that we no longer have to work as hard as we did before. As long as you are on this earth there will be temptations.

I do no say these things to discourage but to prepare. You will get stronger with time and it will be easier to resist temptation. All I’m trying to say here is that there will rarely be a day that will not require you to work at staying clean. It takes constant and every day effort to maintain a clean happy life. Happiness will always require more work than the misery associated with bad choices.

So every day you have to wake up and decide you are willing to exert your personal powers to make the right choices all day. This will become a great habit and prepare you for the really difficult days ahead. I say this because some days will seem like “The Perfect Storm” in which every thing seems combined against you. For example, you wake up with little sleep, you’re irritated at work, your boss won’t leave you alone, the bills are stacking up, you get into an accident on the way home, you argue with your wife,you’re having a hard time controlling your thoughts, and finally you see an inappropriately dressed girl on TV. Well, in those circumstances it just seems like you can’t take it anymore and you are so tempted to give into temptation and go on a pornography binge. Believe it or not, even in these circumstances, it is still your choice to do the work to resist temptation and maintain a positive attitude.

How much you are willing to work is directly tied to how much you believe in the process of change, in a better life, and your personal powers to change. If you stop working and give into temptation or fall short of your goal it is simply because you did not have enough faith and motivation. How do you get that faith and motivation? You choose to have it. Nobody can give it to you or make you have it. There are people and sources that can help you to have it but it is ultimately your choice to have enough faith and motivation to keep working no matter what the circumstances are.

Masturbation and pornography can make you feel powerless. It is true to these things bind you and restrict your freedom to choose. However,though it may feel like it, these things do not have complete control over you. You still have enough power to fight back and reclaim the lost ground in the internal battle you’ve been engaged in. It will not be instant but gradual and eventual. In fact, with perseverance success is inevitable. However, this requires work. Sometimes it will require you to exert all the energies of your soul to resist temptation, but you are not alone. Heavenly Father promises to bless you with the extra strength you need, after you have done all you can do. You will know when you’ve done all you can do because that is the time when his power kicks in and you will be victorious. He loves you enough to not do all the work for you but help you when you’ve done all you can do. Even if you are not religious, just do all you can do and you will be rewarded with success. You will feel an extra boost of power from a source beyond yourself.

Just keep working!

Ask yourself these questions with “10″ representing the most:

1. On a scale of 1 to 10 how much do I really want to overcome porn addiction or any kind of addiction?

2. On a scale of 1 to 10 how much do I believe in my power to overcome addiction?

3. On a scale of 1 to 10 how much am I willing to work every single day to overcome addiction?

Answer these questions honestly. If you are lacking in one or more of these areas then work to improve the numbers and you will have more success.

Success will not come by accident or luck. It will come because you worked for it and earned it.

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Negative Association

How to apply this to porn addiction. If you’ve been addicted to pornography or masturbation then you have been living in a fantasy world within your own mind. The addiction or prison you’ve found difficult to escape has been largely within the walls of your mind. Your mind and body try to run as effeciently as possible. Many times this means automating processes to save energy. Because you have used pornography and masturbation to feel temporary pleasure you have been associating fantasy-like thoughts with natural sexual urges of the body until the appetite of the body grows out of control. So every time your body feels a sexual urge it immediately and almost automatically associates these urges with thoughts and images of the fantasy world you have created in your mind. Of course you can get this back under control, it just takes work and time.

You need to change the way you see temptations to look at filth or masturbate. You need to start associating these actions with the real consequences and misery they bring. The moment you are tempted you must cling to reality and not let yourself be swept away into the unrealistic fantasies that have brought you into addiction. The reality is you only feel pleasure in the moment then soon after feel very low and miserable. Your imagination has very powerful effects that can be both good and bad. Use your imagination to create a negative image of the true results of looking at pornography or masturbating. Then when the temptation comes have this image ready to go to associate with the temptation. The more you do this the more your mind will remember these negative images and the power of the temptation will be decreased. Use whatever negative associations work for you. Everyone is different. Also, be patient, it will take more than a few times of doing this before it becomes habit. Just keep doing it.

Positive Association

You’ll need more than negative associations to break free of addiction. You have to learn to love your new life more than your old one. This is going to take some persistent positive associations. Here is a good example from workout guru, Pete Sisco, speaking of positive association when working out:

“Finally, take another 10 minutes at a slow pace on the treadmill to gradually cool your body down. Use this time to feel the warm afterglow and sense of well-being that intense exercise provides. Those endorphins are magic! Take a moment to associate that positive, relaxed yet invigorated feeling with going to the gym and doing your workout. For many of us this can shift our psychological focus from dreading a workout and doing it reluctantly to positively looking forward to it and to the sense of well-being it delivers.”

This couldn’t be more true. I’ve put this to the test myself and love going to the gym. So how do we apply this to addiction? Well, when I was struggling, I was using this technique and didn’t even know it. Here’s how. Every time I would have success, a day or two without slipping up, I would sort of meditate and ponder how great it felt to be free and have success. In my mind I would purposely associate these great feelings with abstaining from pornography or masturbation. This only increased my desire to have success. This increased desire helped me to work harder, and get up more quickly if I slipped up. I would think to myself, “I love the way I feel when I abstain from weakness, I don’t want to stay down, I will get up and try again and feel those feelings again.” You see, your mind and body want to do what feels good. You have to decide what feels good. You do this by changing the way you see things.

Go ahead and experiment with this great technique. Don’t expect perfection. Just expect a progressive change of desires. It takes time for desires and feelings to change. This is the work required to do so.

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The answers I sought and you currently seek are different for everyone. They depend on your ability to persevere through difficulties and mistakes, your faith in yourself, your faith in the process, and how much work you’re willing to put into the process. So, that being said, it could be a matter of weeks, months, or years. It all depends on you. It’s definitely not a matter of just a week or two. That’s unrealistic. Though I must admit I was guilty of expecting change in a week or two, to my detriment.

Making Mistakes

In order to keep going in the process of change you will have to accept that you will not be perfect. It is very dangerous to expect you will make no mistakes. I’m not saying use this as an excuse to make mistakes. I’m saying have realistic expectations. One realistic expectation is to expect that the mistakes will become fewer in proportion to the amount of effort you put into the process of change. If you have a problem with porn addiction and you look at it every day then you can expect that it will not be every day as you make the necessary choices to adjust your environment and follow the steps to become stronger.

Remember, the body is too stubborn to change in just a week. You cannot expect to stop liking or desiring porn in a week or two. You have to have consistent success over a long period of time for your desires to change significantly. Also, you can’t expect to like new habits at the start. If you just started exercising then it will probably take some time before you enjoy doing it. I felt this way about running. I hated it but over time learned to love it. So you see it takes a lot of work initially to change since you and your body will not like the changes at first. I will tell you that change will become a lot easier after being completely clean for about a month. After that, it gets easier and easier.

Believe in the Process

It can be a tough thing to convince yourself to keep going when you’re not seeing results. I know I would get so frustrated after only a week or two of staying clean because I would still feel really strong urges to go look at pornography or to misuse my body. I would angry at how I didn’t see my desires change much in that short time. I would get so frustrated when I would see a beautiful woman and my body would get so aroused. Instead of being patient and allowing more time for my body to balance itself out, I would obsess about the lack of change until those thoughts had control of me and I would make a mistakes again.

“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

So believing in the process is a must. Going for a week or two and getting frustrated until you quit is not defined as believing. Believing means you keep going every single day knowing that you will change in due time. It may be one month, two months, a year. Whatever it is you just continue to believe change is coming because it is. Most people give up not knowing how close they were to complete change.

Believing in Yourself

We have all had doubts in ourselves at times on our lives. Thats ok as long as you know how to move on from those doubts. Its when doubts become a habit that failure becomes a habit. We not only have to believe that the process of change works so long as we put in the effort and time, but we must also believe that we can absolutely do whatever is required in the process of change. You have to have faith in yourself otherwise you’re right, you can’t escape addiction and can’t do anything for that matter. Addiction can cause us to stop believing we can do things. Its like being a prisoner of war, eventually you start to believe you cannot escape and stop trying to escape. That’s when the enemy called addiction has you right where it wants you, feeling helpless. You have to stand up and believe in yourself. Believe you have the power to make decisions that will ultimately bring freedom in your life.

There is no one who can make you have faith in yourself or the process of change. That is a decision you must make. People can encourage you but they cannot give it to you. On a religious note I will say that developing faith in God helped me to develop faith in myself. I still had to make the decision but my religion certainly made that easier.

Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms (PAWS)

Anybody who gets addicted to anything has to go through a withdrawal stage. There is no way around it, you have to go through it. It can last anywhere from a month to 18 months depending on many things. This is called Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms or PAWS. In other words, you will fell lethargic, bored with life, irritable, unable to concentrate or remember things. However, the amount of time these things last and the intensity can be lessened with proper diet, exercise, therapy to deal with underlying issues, and even supplements to help your chemical imbalance get back in balance.

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It may be tempting to delay changing. Some say, “I’ll start next week” or “I will wait and make a new years resolution”. These are dangerous ideas. I will admit I fooled myself with these same ideas at one time. I thought, “oh I’ll just do this for now until I’m ready to stop.” That only made it more difficult to stop. You see you lose power to start changing when you delay. Your resolve and motivation declines with every minute you delay the decision to change.

Applying this to porn addiction was even more dangerous. I would decide to look at filth until I was tired of looking at it and then would think, “Ok I’ll start being good now.” The problem with that idea is just because I was tired of looking at filth didn’t mean I was more powerful to change. Really I just became so desensitized and physically spent that my body needed a break. Then when I would start to be good and start to recover, I was over-sensitive to anything and everything because my body was still in rapid sexual recovery mode from the recent over-stimulations I put it through. So though I would have a few days of success it was short lived because I foolishly delayed stopping the last time. So the cycle would repeat itself over and over.

The longer you wait the more difficult it is for the body to unlearn the what you are teaching it to do. Unless its been months or years then you are probably going to return to the same level of viewing you ended at the last time. The problem is each time you repeat the cycle you progress, whether slowly or quickly, in the level of pornography you view. So its always getting worse in some, perhaps subtle, way. The further along you progress the more difficult it will be to change.

Also, the further along you are in addiciton the more you lose your edge on everything in life, whether it be business, school, work, hobbies,health, talents, or relationships. Most people don’t believe they’ll lose everything from this addiction until it actually happens. Avoid that unnecessary pain and start working today to overcome this destructive habit. Stand up and have courage to change. Don’t let your pride make you think you are the exception and that somehow you won’t experience the same consequences because you will.

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First of all, you are dead and still have life ahead of you. Though you made a mistake your addiction is not in complete control of your future otherwise there would be no hope. But there is hope. This is not a “You can do it” speech, this is logic. Right now you are alive and still have the ability to choose.

So how are you going to respond to this slip-up, mistake, set-back or whatever you want to call it? Are you going to look at this as an opportunity to do better or are you going to choose to stay down and in feelings of defeat? It’s moments like these that determine or build your character. It’s not the mistakes but the decisions we make when make the mistakes that build character. You’ve fallen off the horse again, so are you going to get back on and try again or what? Oh, you’ve fallen off the horse hundreds or even thousands of time before. Are you saying you lack the ability to try again? That would be a lie and an excuse to not try again. This is the moment you determine your attitude. Decide to have a good attitude and roll with the punches as they say.

How can you do better? Well, get a pen and some paper and write down exactly where you went wrong in your thoughts, feelings, and actions. Now write how you can improve each one of these things. We certainly don’t want to repeat a faulty plan do we? Evaluating mistakes and creating new plans will also give you more motivation as it will feel like you are learning and making progress. Constant adjustment is needed to do better. There will always be a better plan and a way out. Perhaps you had the right plan but went against it and made a mistake. Does that make the plan wrong? No, you’ve already discovered what works for you and now you just need to choose to stick to it. Maybe you got lazy and tired of working so hard to resist thoughts or actions. Well, anything worth havinf does require work. So decide right now on what you really want and don’t look back. You have the power to change you life in this very moment if you will.

So you had a bad day. That means it’s time to pick yourself up again, readjust your thoughts and environment, and make a new plan or use an old one that already worked before. This does get easier with time as you have more consistent success. It’s when you have little, short-lived success that it seems the most difficult. Don’t give up when you are closer to success than the last time. Look at this as a learning experience and persevere. This is a war that you will not lose so long as you continue to fight.

Remember, there are so many great people in the history of this world who stood up against all odds and came out on top. If they would not have presevered through all the failures and sat-backs they would not have had such a great impact on themselves and the world. You were born to win, now let’s try again!

“Never, never, never, give up” – Winston Churchill

“Success is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm.” – Winston Churchill

Quick Ways to Regain Confidence

When you make a mistake and can be difficult to feel motivated to stand up again. There are a couple things you can do to regain hope and confidence quickly and get back on the road to recovery with a great attitude. Exercising is one way. For example, say you just looked at some pornography or masturbated, now you’re feeling low and ashamed and unsure of the future. Well, go for a run. Run a couple miles and prove to yourself you are still the one in control of your body. Your confidence will instantly be boosted after the run. I know I feel great after a run. It gives me just enough confidence to maintain a good attitude and persevere after a mistake. Of course, there are more exercises than running. I feel great doing weight training and playing sports as well. You can do any number of exercises as long as it is challenging enough as to require your mind to tell your body to keep going. This is the control you need to feel when you feel you’ve lost all control.

Another way to regain confidence quickly and keep going is to read something inspiring. Many people will say that self-help, motivational books are just common sense and worthless. However, we are human and quickly forget common sense principals, especially when we make mistakes. Most of the time these critics don’t apply what they call “common sense principles” anyway. So read an inspiring book like “Chicken Soup for the Soul” or something similar and your mind will be quickly reminded that you do have control and you absolutely can do this.

There are a number of things you can do to regain confidence and these are only two. You could call a friend or just get out of the house and go do something. Find what works for you and do it.

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One time I was talking to a friend about my frustrations of trying to stay away from pornography. He said, “There was a time when it was easy to stay away from filth and one had to search it out in order to obtain it. Now it’s difficult to stay away from it and one must map their daily life in such a way to avoid pornography.” It’s true, it is much more difficult to avoid pornography these days but just like we seek shelter from a storm so can we do the same with pornography by setting boundaries in our life.

I’ll give you some examples from my own life but do not feel you must do the same. It’s your decision to create and construct your life however you feel is best. One example involves movie rentals. It’s impossible to go into a video rental store without being bombarded with tempting images on the front of DVD covers. So I decided not to go into video rental stores. Some people will say that is extreme and it is not a problem for them. I say “ok” that’s great but for me personally it’s too much of a temptation to go into those stores. Too much of those images and my weakness is triggered. Now something to keep in mind is you do get stronger with time and do create sort of a protective armor against temptation. So I could probably go into one of those stores right now and come out just fine. However, for me, those images would eat away at my protective armor until I had no protection at all and became completely vulnerable. So instead of tempting myself in my pride I choose to humbly admit I have a weakness and need to set boundaries. Recovering alcoholics don’t go hang out at the bar or in the alcohol section of the grocery store. That would be silly. So why would someone recovering from pornography put themselves in tempting situations like the magazine rack or home alone with unrestricted access to the Internet.

Another boundary I decided on was my occupation. For me it was just too tempting to have unrestricted access to the Internet at work. So I decided to find an occupation that didn’t require me to use the computer so much. When I say unrestricted, I mean unmonitored and unfiltered. Monitoring and a filter is usually enough to deter people from looking at pornography. I wanted to take this a step further, especially in the beginning stages of my recovery.

We can’t control the world of course but I believe at least two places in ones life should be safe and a refuge from temptations. These places are the home and work. You should not have to worry about filth in these places. I’ve definitely had to step up in the past and say something about things at work that shouldn’t have been there. That can be uncomfortable but it’s better than falling back into addiction.

There are many areas in life in which we can and should set boundaries. It usually comes down to the type of media and the type of people you allow yourself to be around. Don’t let fear of what others will think keep you from making important decisions for yourself.

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