Don’t Lock Horns with the Devil
Mark Chamberlain, Ph.D.

Kevin thought he was addicted to pornography. “I must be. I’ve tried so hard to stop. I’ve worked for the last five years at it, and yet I still can’t kick the habit completely.” When I talked to him about his approach, it sounded like he was doing almost everything right. He had opened up to his family about the problem and would talk to them about lapses. He had sought the help of his bishop and met with him regularly. He was participating in the Church’s addiction recovery program and regularly attended their 12-step group meetings. He maintained a habit of regular prayer and scripture study.
It sounded to me like Kevin was doing everything right except for one thing: he was still in the habit of locking horns with the devil. Terry Warner said, “Satan does not need to overpower us in order to win the war. He only needs to get us to adopt his way of fighting it.” On a typical day, Kevin might be going through his routine, doing well and feeling good. However, if temptation hit, he’d start to brace himself, focus real hard on doing well, and redouble his efforts to avoid a problem. Sometimes his approach “worked” and he avoided giving in that day. Too often, despite all the effort and energy he exerted, he failed. Sure, he may fight for a while. But later that day or sometime the next day—occasionally his fight lasted several days—Kevin almost always eventually gave in once an intense battle got going.
I shared with Kevin my opinion: that it was not the initial trigger, not the temptation itself, but his way of dealing with it, that was the beginning of his downfall. So what, exactly, is the problem with fighting temptation with all our might, as we may feel compelled to do when a strong urge or craving hits? To answer that question, let’s consider our reaction on four dimensions:

• Attitude: When we fight temptation, we do so with a sense of urgency. This certainly makes sense: it’s a threat to our spirituality, our sense of confidence and well-being, and perhaps even our success in life. The problem couldn’t be much more important than it is.
• Body: When we brace against temptation, our bodies react by tensing up. We become physiologically aroused in order to deal with the threat. We’re on alert and ready to “fight or flee.”
• Mind: Our consciousness narrows and we become very focused—sometimes even fixated. Mentally we know what the problem is and know that it’s a challenge we haven’t yet figured out how to overcome. Our mind is primed and ready to devote significant mental voltage to the threat.
• Behavior: We feel driven to take action against temptation. We feel like we “can’t” give in and “have to” resist urges. We vacillate between that and feeling like we “have to” give in and “can’t” resist anymore.

In the 121st section of The Doctrine and Covenants, the Lord describes two different approaches to the exercise of power and influence. The Lord labels the first “unrighteous dominion.” It is characterized by the attempt to exert control by way of dominion or compulsion (v. 37). In our efforts to get what we want from other people, every one of us has at least experimented with this approach. I can tell you from experience, we never become more influential by being coercive. Of course, it may work great for getting our way in the moment, but people end up resenting our pushiness. Any influence we have evaporates once we walk out of the room.
Whenever I get pushy—whether it’s with my kids, with another driver on the road, or with a customer service representative on the telephone—I end up feeling less powerful. Not only that, I end up being less powerful. People simply do not respond well to coercion. Instead of cooperating, quite often they rebel. The driver I tailgate slows down. If I tell my three-year-old, “You can’t watch TV any more, you have to go to bed,” I’ll be peeling little fingers off stair railings and door frames all the way up to his bedroom.
As human beings, everything inside of us yearns to remain free and stay in charge of our own lives. David O. McKay has said that “next to the bestowal of life itself, the right to direct that life is God’s greatest gift to man” (Gospel Ideals, 1993, p. 299). Even if the driver in front of me doesn’t believe in God, even though my three-year-old doesn’t understand the Plan of Salvation, they, like all of us, instinctively value their agency and will fight fiercely to retain it. Every one of us is determined to maintain independence, especially if we sense that someone is trying to force us to do something.
If a coercive approach fails miserably when it comes to influencing other people, perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised that things don’t go well when we adopt it in an attempt to change our own behavior. If our Father in Heaven wouldn’t allow Satan to tell us we can’t sin and have to obey, do we really believe that he might bless our efforts when we adopt to the same mentality or methods on ourselves?
Fortunately, there is a second form of influence described in D&C 121. It’s quite unlike unrighteous dominion both in terms of the way it operates and the effect it has. It is characterized by persuasion, long suffering, gentleness, meekness, love unfeigned, kindness, pure knowledge (which is described as “greatly enlarging the soul”), and a lack of hypocrisy or guile (vv. 41-42).
I’m reminded of this gentle, easygoing approach when I talk with those who have established a solid, long-term recovery from a formerly compulsive behavior. When I talk with people who are two years, five years, or twelve years beyond their last relapse, not one has ever said, “I still fight the same battle every day, it’s just that now I always win.” Instead they say, “It’s hardly a struggle at all anymore.”
Consider the way they approach the problem across the four dimensions we introduced earlier:

• Attitude: These folks exhibit an easygoing mentality and are not easily perturbed by temptation. The problem remains an important one to them, but less urgent: they know that it’s not one they can annihilate “once and for all” with sudden efforts of Herculean proportions.
• Body: Physiologically they stay calm and relaxed. They stay in a mode they can maintain over the long haul, not one in which their efforts will of necessity diminish over time as a result of depletion and burn-out.
• Mind: They remain perceptive and observant. They’re big-picture-oriented. They’re not as vigilant against temptation itself, but remain on-the-lookout for its precursors. By remaining observant over time they have learned what puts them at risk and they keep trying to respond to those concerns in a proactive way. They reach out when they’re struggling or in-need so that their emotions don’t build to the point that they fuel self-defeating urges.
• Behavior: They don’t “have to” do anything—they remain free. They keep choosing their response, rather than giving in or fighting based on which compulsion is strongest at the time. If one response doesn’t take them in the direction they want, they’re free to change course. They keep experimenting until they find what works.

If you’ve been in the habit of fighting temptation and forcefully trying to keep yourself on track, how can you switch over to this other, more relaxed and effective approach?

Change Your Attitude: Next time temptation hits, adopt a more easygoing mentality. Don’t think, “Oh no, here we go again! I’m never going to be free of this!” Instead, Remember what the apostle Paul said: “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man” (1 Corinthians 10:13). In fact, instead of “Oh no!” think to yourself, “Oh, good! Now I have the chance to practice a different way of approaching this problem.” The more chances you get to practice, the better you’ll get at doing things differently. Plus, something else happens when you think, “Oh, good!” The devil is, by nature, contrary and oppositional. Once you, like a Judo master, start to use the force behind his blows against him, he will probably pick fewer fights with you.
Relax Your Body: Take a few nice, full breaths. This helps relax the body and ease it down from a hyperaroused state. Instead of bracing yourself against temptation, loosen up. Oxygenate your brain and body so that you can approach the problem with all of your usual resourcefulness and intelligence still intact.
Open Your Mind: Broaden your attention. Don’t fixate and obsess. Encourage your mind to maintain objectivity by turning your attention to something concrete like a sight, sound, or touch. I encourage clients to alternate this kind of noticing with the breathing just mentioned. “Breathing and noticing” three or four times in a row can help the mind free itself. For instance: Take a nice, full breath and notice: “There’s a poplar tree way down the street.” Focus intently on it for a moment. Then breathe again and notice: “There’s the sound of a car engine.” Hold that focus…. Breathe and notice: “There’s the hard sidewalk beneath my feet.” Feel it. Feel it. Feel it with each step. As simple as this technique sounds, it can help us stay rooted in reality here-and-now, where we can see more of our options.
Choose Your Behavior: With more of our options in view, we’re prepared to take action, and to do so in different ways than we have been in the habit of doing. Whenever we refuse to do what it feels like we “have to” and choose our response instead, we exercise our freedom in a powerful way. Even if the behavior we choose this time doesn’t end up taking us where we want to go, at least it was different than the well beaten trails we’re in the habit of treading. We can always choose a second new path next time, and a third after that, until we find one that does work better than our usual.

Kevin knew that “trying harder” had never worked for him over the long haul, so he was excited to try something different. He went home from our first session with a resolution unlike the dozens of others he had made in the past. He was ready to practice a new way. Here’s what he reported when he came back the following week:
“I was determined to think, ‘Oh, good!’ when I was tempted and then to practice breathing, noticing, and experimenting. However, I really didn’t think I’d be able to do it every time I was tempted. After all, it had seemed to me that some days were filled to overflowing with sexual triggers and urges and cravings. It seemed to me that if I really tried to do it every time temptation hit, some days would be consumed by this new little ordeal.
“However, once I was on the lookout for temptation in a good way, prepared to practice my new skills, I was surprised that the topic of sex seemed to rear its head less and less. Even when it did, sometimes I’d check in with myself to see if I was tempted only to discover that I wasn’t. Now that I was prepared to cope with it and eager to take it in a better direction, those triggers seemed less threatening. The emotional charge of many of my everyday triggers seemed to be neutralized.
“But then, Thursday night, I came face-to-face with a real test. I had played basketball until late, and once I finally got home everything was dark and quiet. As I started down the stairs, I got panicky: ‘I’m headed down to shower. It’s late at night. Oh, no! This has often been a problem for me in the past! I’m headed right into the lion’s den. I could so easily have a problem while I’m showering. All of the progress I’ve made would be washed away. Three weeks of success would be down the drain. Then the countdown for turning in my mission papers would have to start over again. This could be disastrous. It’s so important! I need to focus real hard on staying clean and redouble my efforts right now!’
“Then I caught myself. ‘Hold on a minute. That’s my reflex, but I can do it differently. I don’t have to lock horns with the devil. In fact, I can look at this as a good thing—an opportunity. Yes, I’ll go back to my fire drill: “Oh, good—another great chance. Let me breathe… and notice the texture on the sloped ceiling in front of me as I walk down the stairs. Breathe… and notice the feeling of the banister in my hand all the way down. Breathe… and notice the musty smell of the basement. Experiment… Experiment… What could I do differently?’ I was pondering that as I grabbed onto the doorknob of the bathroom door. That was when it hit me: I always lock the bathroom door when I shower, but I don’t ‘have to.’ I am free to leave the door unlocked. It was late at night. Most of my family was asleep. There was very little chance that any of them would even come downstairs, and almost no chance that they would walk in on me when I was showering. Still, if I left the door unlocked, it seemed to me at that moment that there was no way I was going to masturbate in the shower.”
At that point, I didn’t need to hear anymore. I didn’t cut him off—we continued that session and continued for several more after that as well. Nonetheless, there was something defining about that moment. I hadn’t even heard whether Kevin’s experiment (leaving the bathroom door unlocked) had worked (it turns out that it did). It’s just that I’d seen enough clients like Kevin to know how this was going to go. Even if that experiment had failed, Kevin was succeeding. He had not yet succeeded in completely overcoming his sexual struggles, but he was successfully changing the way he approached them. He was adopting a new, easygoing attitude. He was learning to relax instead of bracing against temptation. He’d been able to see, even in the heat of the moment, that he had options besides the two he’d always fixated on before: fighting and succumbing to temptation. He’d taken one of those options and acted on it. I knew that as time went on and he continued to exercise his freedom along all four dimensions, Kevin would overcome his problem. He’d keep relaxing and exploring and experimenting in a more easygoing way until he kicked his destructive habit once and for all.

3 Keys to Overcome Porn Addiction Helps with: Porn Addiction Masturbation Addiction Sexual Addiction

You’ve most likely heard that alcohol is a depressant right? Well, so is pornography and masturbation. What do I mean? If you haven’t already experienced this then you will eventually if you are addicted to either porn or masturbation. There’s the excitement and then there are the low feelings of lack of self control that follow.

Alcohol is a bit easier for people to understand when it comes to analyzing an addiction. Its simple right, you’re putting a substance in the body that is unhealthy. Typically, anything that is unhealthy physically is also unhealthy mentally as you are not feeling the best you could. So how is pornography or masturbation similar to this?

If you agree that porn or masturbation can be addictive then you agree that they are not right for your mental and physical health. In other words they are foreign to a healthy lifestyle in general and cause more pain than excitement. Anything introduced to the mind is introduced to the body. When you engage in mentally unhealthy activities you will experience both mental and physical consequences. These consequences are usually in the form of some level of depression or lethargy.

So why build the case that porn is a depressant? The reason is that you can get “stuck in a rut” and not understand why. Alcoholics continue to drink because they have a continuous feeling of depression and start to believe there is no other way to relieve said depression other than to have another drink. The same applies to porn or masturbation. You feel low shortly after acting out or the next day and return to the only source of fast acting temporary excitement you know. Drugs and alcohol are not addicting because they cause pain. They are addicting because they are a constant cycle of temporary rushes and let downs.

There is a way out of this miserable cycle. It’s certainly not easy but it’s also not as difficult as you may think. In fact I would compare it, at least for some people, to trying to motivate yourself to go to the gym every day. Not easy but once you get in the rhythm of a routine you find it easier.

Just like with alcohol or drugs there is a detox and readjustment period you need to endure before gaining freedom from strong urges to return to the drug of choice. This period of time usually seems unbearable to most and hence the biggest reason for staying in the addictive cycle. The interesting thing is the body is very adaptive and can readjust itself in a matter of days or weeks. This doesn’t mean the fight is over but perhaps easier than before. There is always the possibility of relapsing if you get lazy, similar to getting lazy with your gym routine.

One biological fact I should point that may contribute to the depression associated with viewing pornography and masturbating is that studies have shown that about 4 times more prolactin(the hormone that relaxes you after orgasm) is released during orgasm with a commited sexual partner(spouse) than when orgasm is done alone. This contribues both to the addictive factor and the discontent factor since you’re not using the body as it was designed to be used. The reason for this is emotions. Emotions, even in guys, are a huge part of a sexual bond and a “full” orgasm. Without the proper emotional connection you are missing a huge part of the equation in a truly satisfying sexual bond. You are essentially trying to fulfill a desire and void within with something that will never satisfy you. Hence the addiction cycle.

There is much advice on this site about how to stop porn addiction. There is quite a range of suggestions involving physical and mental techniques. One of the top contributing factors to an addiction is an addiction to a certain thought pattern. Meaning you have been thinking a certain way for so long that it is difficult to think any other way. However, without completely changing the thought process that has assisted in keeping you in addiction you cannot hope for any long lasting success.

If you do not work out your emotions and thoughts then you will return to your vices. I will focus on thoughts for a moment here since everything stems from them, including emotions. I was reading an interesting article today written by Jonathan Leger titled “Think low and you will stay low”. This article highlighted the importance of overcoming mental barriers before you can overcome physical one. If you were to do this in the opposite order you would just return to what you have not worked out in your heart and mind and the cycle would repeat itself.

So you want to know how to stop porn addiction or any addiction. Start believing in yourself first because there is nothing that you cannot overcome if you believe and persevere. This is the first step and is very necessary. Stop all the negative self talk and start building yourself up with positive thoughts that cause you to believe in yourself no matter how many mistakes you have made.

How can you know if you or someone you know is addicted to porn? Sometimes it is obvious but most of the time it is not. Some signs and symptoms seem like the usual personality imperfections. So I have put together a list of the usually suspects concerning signs of porn addiction.

1. Are you distant in your relationships with other? Try to avoid interaction or affection?

2. Are you easily provoked, meaning you get offended or angry easily?

3. Do you or the person of concern seem opposite of the norm, almost like a totally different personality

4. Are you on the Internet far too long? This may sound extreme but there are few reasons to be on the Internet all day and night.

5. Do you find it difficult to be happy or content in any circumstance?

Some of these signs of porn addiction may sound like personality disorders, that’s because when a person is not in control of a major aspect of their life then they are not in control of their character or personality. Control of personality comes with self mastery.

I was listening to the news today and started to ponder a bit. The news is never too good of course, that’s not what brings in the money. The news is in the business of entertainment and not necessarily concerned with keeping you informed, though that’s how they defend their position. Anyway, I started to realize how sad the news was and how difficult it can be to live in the world if your reference is the news. (more…)

What is the purpose of rehabilitation centers? It is to give the addicted person a fair chance to recover. I say fair because there does come a point for many where unless you make some drastic changes in your life and environment you’ll continue to repeat the same cycle of addiction indefinitely. This certainly applies to pornography addiction. The alcoholic cannot stay sober if he continues to go to the bar or still has alcohol in the refrigerator. The person addicted to porn cannot kick the bad habit so long as they have easy access to the porn. (more…)

There is no magic pill, no secret program, no super special technique to overcome an addiction. There are, however, steps and techniques you have forgotten or just never learned. The problem is, even with all the right knowledge and techniques at you disposal you won’t just automatically overcome addiction. There comes a point where you have to choose to work enough, believe enough, and be motivated enough to earn success. (more…)

In order to change the way you act you have to change the way you think. Simple as that. While the truth of the matter may be simple, it is certainly easier said than done as your body and mind are sure to resist change. However, that just means it takes work to change. If you’re willing to put in the work required then you will experience massive change. You need to change the way you see the things that have been causing you to fall. You also need to change the way you see the things that make you happy. This is how you do it. (more…)

If you’re like I was then you’re probably racking your brain trying to figure out just how long it is going to take to overcome addiction. You might be asking yourself questions like, “How long does it take before my desires change?”, “When does this start to get easier?”, or “Why do I feel like I’m not changing?” These are great questions you should be asking and there is an answer for each individual. I got so frustrated and frankly, quite angry, trying to figure out the answers to these same question as I worked so hard to overcome addiction. (more…)

Are diet and exercise really that important for overcoming an addiction? You’ve already heard how important diet and exercise is for good physical and mental health but how would this specifically apply to an addiction? Perhaps you’ll be surprised how neglecting these areas of your life are actually making it a lot more difficult to overcome your addictions. While diet and exercise alone will not bring complete freedom they will help significantly. (more…)

Let’s get something straight, we all have weaknesses. So why do we get mad at our weaknesses? I used to get irritated any time I felt vulnerable to temptation. I worked so hard to control my thoughts that I was trying to be something other than human. Human beings have feelings and weaknesses. I was wrong in my thought that so long as I had weaknesses I was doing bad. I really had to change the way I looked at things before I could appreciate feelings and urges of the body. (more…)

Do you feel like you’re walking on egg shells to achieve limited success? I know I used to. I would set a goal to be good for a week and it seemed like such a struggle to make it a day let alone a week. I thought to myself, “How am I going to do this for the rest of my life if I can barely make it a week?” Those days are over and I live life in a more relaxed manner (more…)

Are you wondering how to stop masturbating? Well you are not alone. There are millions of frustrated men in the world trying to figure out how to stop masturbating. There is a plethora of confusing guidance and information out there. I will lay out advice from myself and others I have collected over time to make this is simple as possible. But before I jump into that I want you to know that you can and absolutely will overcome this addiction with the right attitude. Perseverance is the name of the game and victory will be yours if you possess the ability to get up and dust yourself off every time you fall. Many people have overcome this addiction and so can you. Its a personal decision you must make because no one can do this for you. So let’s get into the steps. (more…)

Masturbation addiction is probably one of the most misunderstood of all addictions. There are many who passionately argue that it is not an addiction but a perfectly healthy act to do whenever you please. Then there are those who are addicted and cannot stop and know that it is not good but have instead lost control of their life. There are many health professionals who endorse masturbation and quote a list of supposed benefits. (more…)

No one is invincible when it comes to temptation. This is especially true for those who have created a weakness with pornography or masturbation. As you can see, the world is full of tempting images which we can hardly escape. You cannot let that be an excuse though. We must set boundaries to live a life of moral safety as much as we possibly can. Of course we cannot become extreme about this and must live a balanced life. (more…)

When I first realized, or better yet, was told I had an addiction to pornography I really didn’t think too much of it. I thought that I needed to stop but I didn’t feel it was something I needed to stop immediately. (more…)

Sometimes progress is small and easy to miss if you’re not watching closely. I used to have a calendar that I would use to track my progress from month to month. I stopped trying to be perfect and instead started working on just doing better than the last month. For me, overcoming addiction to pornography took time and was more of a process than an quick change. (more…)

I have a lot of funny stories to tell about my journey to overcome bad habits and addiction. I tried so many different approaches, some very creative, some extreme. What can I say, a person who is desperate to change will try just about anything. I brainstormed for just about every solution I could come up with. I got excited every time thinking, “This is it, I know this will work.” (more…)

You’ve heard of runner’s high right? Sure you have, but have you ever understood what it is or how it works? I certainly didn’t until I started going to the gym and became curious about how the body works. Many different things are happening in the body when we exercise. There are processes to build muscle and there are chemical processes to reward you (more…)

I recently read an article by life coach, Devlyn Steele, about how most self-help books are either misleading or incomplete in their advice. Specifically speaking of addictions he said there is a big point being missed in these books and that is in order to stop bad habits (more…)