Yes the world can be stressful and often the news makes it more stressful than it really is.  Yet many of us choose to use the news as a true reference to how how life really is. Why am I talking about this on a sexual addiction  site? Well, addicts in general are usually looking for escape from reality as they know it. How you reference reality is up to you. Life is not as bad as the people trying to make money make it seem. Actually life is great and full of opportunities to experience joy and happiness. Yes there are upsets but the positives far outweigh those upsets. Remember, the news doesn’t make money by focusing on the positive. They make money focusing on the shocking negative things that captivate us. How in the world does this apply to porn addiction?

Which would you rather watch, a high speed police chase ending in a crash or a mayor talking about improvements in elderly care. You see its effortless to be attracted to the most stimulating and exciting thing that catches our attention. It takes work to  appreciate the finer things in life. So will you let he idle part of you win or will you expend some effort and focus on the positive.

When it comes to dealing with the stresses of life in a healthy way you really must exercise you freedom to choose. Meaning you choose what to let into you life and what not to allow to effect you. When you realize this control you have and actually use it to only focus on and allow positive things in your life influence you it is quite empowering. This does not mean nothing negative will happen. It does mean you will notice a “positive” difference in your life. Believe or not you are in control. Sometime, like all of us, you choose not to maintain control but instead  let the  world control you. There comes a time when you have to wake up and come to the realization that you are, in fact, in control.

When you relearn this personal control you are in a position to properly deal with the stresses of life instead of turning to addictive activities. The proper way is to be in control of your thoughts and attitude and let the negative things roll off your back like water off a duck, so to speak. With a good attitude, which you decide to have, you don’t sweat the small stuff. However, don’t let anyone, especially the media, steal you good attitude, because they will do anything and say anything to make money without care for your  personal well being.

1. My number one recommendation would be to get an internet filter with an accountability feature. Out of all the programs out there I would recommend a program called Covenant Eyes. Don’t let the name confuse you, this is simple a robust internet filter with monitoring and reporting capability. The big deterrent is that you have an accountability partner who receives a weekly report showing all the web sites you have visited. This software also notifies your accountability partner when you uninstall the software. This can really curb a porn addiction.

2. If you have administrator rights on the computer then it might be a good idea to have a more restricted account. For example, my wife has the password to the administrator account and I have a restricted account. This just means I can’t add or remove programs such as the monitoring software.

3. If you don’t like having a restricted account then you could just share half of the password with someone for the administrator account so you’re only on the web when someone is around.

4. All this physical restrictions are great ideas but it would also be a good idea to just set some realistic personal boundaries you know you could live by. For example, deciding not to be on the internet after 9pm. This helps in a couple of ways. First, the more tired you are the more weaker you feel and the more likely you are to give into the temptation of porn. So you could decide to only spend so many hours on the web a day, or only be on the web when someone is around or when you’re in a public place like a book store. Any personal boundaries you think might help are great. They are personal and yours so don’t let what others say or think about them bother you.

5. Lastly, if you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work and you continue to look at porn then it may be time to make a big sacrifice for the sake of saving your character from eventual complete deterioration. You may have to get rid of the internet all together or restrict access to very  limited occasions. This is certainly not easy in today’s world and that would be a well thought out decision. Just remember, nothing is more important than self-mastery and it takes a lot of strength to make tough decisions like this.

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Negative Association

How to apply this to porn addiction. If you’ve been addicted to pornography or masturbation then you have been living in a fantasy world within your own mind. The addiction or prison you’ve found difficult to escape has been largely within the walls of your mind. Your mind and body try to run as effeciently as possible. Many times this means automating processes to save energy. Because you have used pornography and masturbation to feel temporary pleasure you have been associating fantasy-like thoughts with natural sexual urges of the body until the appetite of the body grows out of control. So every time your body feels a sexual urge it immediately and almost automatically associates these urges with thoughts and images of the fantasy world you have created in your mind. Of course you can get this back under control, it just takes work and time.

You need to change the way you see temptations to look at filth or masturbate. You need to start associating these actions with the real consequences and misery they bring. The moment you are tempted you must cling to reality and not let yourself be swept away into the unrealistic fantasies that have brought you into addiction. The reality is you only feel pleasure in the moment then soon after feel very low and miserable. Your imagination has very powerful effects that can be both good and bad. Use your imagination to create a negative image of the true results of looking at pornography or masturbating. Then when the temptation comes have this image ready to go to associate with the temptation. The more you do this the more your mind will remember these negative images and the power of the temptation will be decreased. Use whatever negative associations work for you. Everyone is different. Also, be patient, it will take more than a few times of doing this before it becomes habit. Just keep doing it.

Positive Association

You’ll need more than negative associations to break free of addiction. You have to learn to love your new life more than your old one. This is going to take some persistent positive associations. Here is a good example from workout guru, Pete Sisco, speaking of positive association when working out:

“Finally, take another 10 minutes at a slow pace on the treadmill to gradually cool your body down. Use this time to feel the warm afterglow and sense of well-being that intense exercise provides. Those endorphins are magic! Take a moment to associate that positive, relaxed yet invigorated feeling with going to the gym and doing your workout. For many of us this can shift our psychological focus from dreading a workout and doing it reluctantly to positively looking forward to it and to the sense of well-being it delivers.”

This couldn’t be more true. I’ve put this to the test myself and love going to the gym. So how do we apply this to addiction? Well, when I was struggling, I was using this technique and didn’t even know it. Here’s how. Every time I would have success, a day or two without slipping up, I would sort of meditate and ponder how great it felt to be free and have success. In my mind I would purposely associate these great feelings with abstaining from pornography or masturbation. This only increased my desire to have success. This increased desire helped me to work harder, and get up more quickly if I slipped up. I would think to myself, “I love the way I feel when I abstain from weakness, I don’t want to stay down, I will get up and try again and feel those feelings again.” You see, your mind and body want to do what feels good. You have to decide what feels good. You do this by changing the way you see things.

Go ahead and experiment with this great technique. Don’t expect perfection. Just expect a progressive change of desires. It takes time for desires and feelings to change. This is the work required to do so.

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Like I said, there is the temptation to doubt your success is real. This is exactly the time when you need to let go of the doubts that will hold you back from complete freedom. You have become very familiar and comfortable with these doubts after repeated failures. So they have become your security blanket because they are what you know. However, you must convince yourself that it is ok to let go of these doubts and venture into the unknown new life you are not yet familiar with. In due time, say a month or so, you will start to become quite comfortable and confident in this new way of living.

So how do you start this process of becoming more happy with your new life. First of all you need to decide you hate your old life. That will probably be easy since it has brought you pain. What won’t be easy is consistently hating it and deciding it is not an acceptable way to live when relatively boring times come. You see, you’ve been in the habit of comparing a simple, happy life with no stimulates to an addicting life full of temporary excitement and stimulation. It can be difficult to convince your mind and body that the new life is better when you will feel far less stimulation at first. I call this the “Getting over the wave” stage and compare it to Tom Hanks in the movie “Cast Away”, in which he worked so hard to escape a deserted island. The problem he faced was that the waves were too big and kept washing him back to the island. He even got hurt trying this and just wanted to die. However, he decided to keep trying and come up with a new plan and eventually got over the waves and out to the open sea. You need to get past those huge waves of temptation that will wash you back into your old way of living. You’ve trained your mind and body to misuse the body to have temporary excitement. They will fiercely resist this change at first but then they will learn to enjoy a normal life as you retrain them.

The next thing you need to do to enjoy your new life is to stop looking for some future rose happiness and start finding the happiness of every day living.

“One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon-instead of enjoying the roses blooming outside our windows today.” – Dale Carnegie

“We never live; we are always in the expectation of living.” -Voltaire

Those are some great quotes which sum up nicely what I had to work very hard to learn myself. Its difficult to believe this, especially when your life has been ruled by addiction, but life can be absolutely great every single day. What’s the secret? Well, its no secret at all. You possess it right now and it is called free agency, or choice. You can decide to be happy and productive right now. In fact it is better that you decide right now rather than later. You can decide to replace addiction with healthy, happy, and wholesome things. You can decide by simply waking up every morning and deciding you are the one who controls your life and your attitude. Addiction has convinced you that you do not have this control but that is a lie.

Life is full of ups and downs and plenty of challenges. You must learn to have a positive attitude and see this as an opportunity to learn to be happy in all circumstances in life. External circumstances do not determine happiness. Internal thoughts and emotions do. The sooner you realize that your happiness is your choice the better. If you have a habit of thinking negative towards yourself and others then your efforts to overcome addicton are being sabotaged.

“If we think happy thoughts, we will be happy. If we think miserable thoughts, we will be miserable.” – Dale Carnegie

When you begin to set goals to overcome masturbation or pornography just decide to be stubbornly positive in your thinking. Decide to take joy in the simple new life. This does not mean do nothing. Of course you must get out there and replace addiction with new activities. When you start to have some success and are tempted to worry or doubt, just relax, take a deep breath and decide to stubbornly believe in yourself. Your addiction will at first be stubborn but will eventually succumb to your new way of thinking and living. So look at it as sort of a fight between you and your addiction. Who will be more stubborn? Of course you will because you want your life back. Besides, the joy that comes from a simple, happy and productive life will far outlive the temporary excitement of your old life and the huge difference is YOU will be in control and not the addiciton. In fact, do not associate yourself with your old life anymore. Say, “That’s my old life, that’s not me anymore” and truly believe this.

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The Importance of a Good Diet

You are what you eat, though that doesn’t mean you will turn into a vegetable if that’s all you eat. However, eating a balanced and nutritional diet based off of the food pyramid will greatly enhance your mental and physical health. When you eat healthy you feel healthy. When you feel healthy and vibrant you can more easily focus and have the mental and physical energy to make important decisions in your daily life.

Here’s an example. On a day when I eat a a lot of meat or a high fat meal I start to feel low and slow. I’m really just not in the best mood I could be in. Physically I feel I’ve lost my energy and my edge to perform at my best. Mentally my confidence declines and my brain is not sharp and focused. In this state I become more vulnerable to temptation than I was before the meal. Perhaps I will not be able to control my thoughts as well as before. Certainly with an overall decrease in confidence I will not take full advantage of the personal power I possess to make the right decisions when things get tough.

Another thing concerning diet that people don’t consider is how the hormone levels in the body are effected. Certain foods can increase and decrease hormone levels in the body. For example, red meats increase testosterone levels in males. This could be a problem for someone trying to overcome porn addiction or masturbation addiction. The higher these levels are the stronger the sexual tension in the body. There are a number of high protein foods such as cottage cheese, yogurt, eggs, and nuts which break down into amino acids and in-turn increase dopamine levels. While normal levels of dopamine are good and healthy, increased levels could be bad. Part of the reason people look at pornography is because they are addicted to the high levels of dopamine released when they look at stimulating pictures or videos. Dopamine makes us sexually excited. The person’s body who has become trained to associate high levels of dopamine with pornography on a regular basis may find it difficult to think otherwise until retrained to think differently. Caffeine is also known to increase dopamine. Sorry coffee drinkers. Too much caffeine can make it tough to have balanced hormone levels and make it more difficult to control your sexual urges. Even when it wears off you are cranky and feeling low and not in the best mood you can be in to control yourself.

There are many foods than can effect your physical and mental health. To make it simple, just stick to the food pyramid and stay away from bad things such as coffee, alcohol, tobacco, or anything you know is not helping.

The Importance of Exercising

Have you ever gone for a run, hated it the whole time you were doing it, then felt great and proud of yourself that you did it afterwards? I know I have. Running is a great exercise but it is only one of many. I have found anything involving cardio to be very beneficial for me physically and mentally. Anytime I have woke up and felt depressed and unconfident I made myself go for a 15 minute run and whala!, I felt much better afterwards. One of the biggest benefits of doing any type of weight training, sport, or cardio workout long enough is the release of endorphins. This bio-chemical acts like a natural pain killer and makes us feel happy. This is just what a person struggling with addiction needs since their mental and physical energy have been sapped by the misuse of the body.

Exercising makes us feel confident and it even helps the body recover more quickly from any form of self-abuse. The body needs time to recover and get everything back into balance when we misuse it but this process can happen quicker if we have a moderate exercise routine. Those who have prevented or overcame illness by exercising certainly know the rejuvinating powers of exercise.

If you combine a healthy diet and regular exercise you dramatically increase your power to overcome addiction. Don’t take this to the extreme and try to work out several hours a day or have the perfect diet. Remember, moderation in all things.

Addiction steals everything good in our lives including these healthy habits. If you think about it then it makes sense. Addiction wants you to stay in addiction and it can more effectively do that by causing you to become unhealthy. And so it tightens its grips on you one area in your life at a time. So make a decision now to get out there and start your new life and new habits and break free of addiction

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1. “Book of Mormon” – Without exception, this book gave me more hope and strength and understanding than any other book. You certainly don’t have to be Mormon to read the Book of Mormon.

2. ” The Drug of the New Millennium–The Brain Science Behind Internet Pornography Use” – The Science of How Internet Pornography Radically Alters the Human Brain and Body. Author: Mark B. Kastleman. Best book I’ve read explaining every detail of how pornography addiction is created in a person.

3. “Wanting More: Challenge of Enjoyment in the Age of Addiction” – Written by Mark Chamberlain, this book really helped me understand the dangers of desensitization and how pornography is effecting our society as a whole.

4. “The Power of Positive Thinking” – By Norman Vincent Peale. It showed me there really was power in positive thinking. I gained a great faith and understanding of my personal powers through the principles in this book.

5. “Unlimited Power” – By Anthony Robbins. The main thing I took away from this book was specific techniques used to change my thoughts and emotions. If this is a skill you are lacking then this may be the book for you.

6. “Lessons in Mastery” – Also by Anthony Robbins. This concentrated more on controlling emotions and attitude but it was similar to the principles taught in “Unlimited Power”. I would recommend this one on CD

7. “Chicken Soup for the Soul: Living Your Dreams, 10th Anniversary Special Edition” – This book is full of goal setting tips and inspiring stories that will motivate you to realize any goal in life.

8. Toolstolife.com – Developed by Devlyn Steele. This is not a book but it contains enough content to be a book. This is a day by day program to set goals and overcome bad habits. I would highly recommend it to anyone with any bad habit.

9. “He Did Deliver Me From Bondage” – By Colleen Harrison. This is a book modeled after the original 12 step program but with Book of Mormon principles.

10. “Conquering Your Own Goliaths” – By Steven A. Cramer. Teaches how to conquer the goliath of addiction just as David conquered Goliath in Biblical times. Great Book!!

porn addiction

The most important thing to keep in mind when you veture out to start new hobbies or do service for others is it may feel awkward at first. It won’t feel very comfortable since it will be quite the contrast to the dark and unclean life of addiction. Also, it may require more effort than your addiction. You may have to force yourself to get up and out of the house. It may be difficult at first but you’ll always be happy you did afterwards.

Service Ideas

Doing service for others has so many benefits. Its quite therapuetic for the person who has been only thinking of themsleves for some time. Its such a refreshing feeling to get out of the house and do something for somebody, anybody. That feeling is called love and its something addiction has been stealing from you over time.

I personally would make myself do service even if it was the last thing I wanted to do. I knew it would have some kind of benefit. I was always glad I did afterwards.

There are no limits to service. You can do anything to help others. Money is not required. usually giving of time is appreciated more any way. There are so many people out there that need help or just need a friend. Anytime there are people around you it is guaranteed one of them if not all need a friend.

Here are some servive ideas:

-Visit a retirement home for 10, 20, 30 minutes and just talk to and listen to random people. I would force myself to do this and found residents had very interesting stories.

-Get a trash bad and go pick up some trash at a park. The only person that has to know you did something good is you.

-Check out Unitedway.org for your local area. They always have plenty of service opportunities

-Join handsonnetwork.org They have city specific websites for the larger cities. I used this service a lot. They have an online calendar of activites and you can sign up for as much as you like.

-Check out Habitat for Humanity’s site at habitat.org and go help build a house for poor people. I found this fun and I know nothing about building houses. They are happy to show you what to do.

-One of my favorite sites is actsofkindness.org which gives you many ideas to do something nice for somebody every day. Try it!

Hobbies

Everyone has talents. Many times people have talents that they just aren’t aware of yet. Addiction suppresses everything good, including your talents. It may have caused you to neglect your talents or delay discovering them. Talents are usually manifested in the form of hobbies. Hobbies are things you do to enjoy life and contribute to the world around you.

If you have forgotten what you have a passion for or have yet to discover your passion then here are some ideas. If you’re still not sure then just try experiementing with some of these and see what you like.

-Sports. I found I loved raquetball and football. So I joined some amateur leagues in my city.

-Running. Many people love to run. I learned to like it as well since I learned so much about my character. If you’re not a runner then start small and work your way up every week.

-Art. Get out and draw some scenery or paint a landscape. Show your work off in galleries or give it to family and friends

-Music. I never played any instruments growing up so I thought it was too late for me to learn. Not true. I saw an infomercial one night on TV for a guitar with lessons. So I purchased and started practicing. Tada! New hobby and I love it!

-Animals. Besides being great companions and company they can help you get out of the house and get active.

-Start a blog about something you are passionate about. There are many free services but wordpress.com is a great one.

-Golf. I decided to give this a try but decided I like the driving range better than the course. S every Saturday morning I would just take my cheap driver and bad form and go have a blast hitting balls at the driving range just to see how far I could hit them.

-Go hiking. Nothing like the great outdoors to take away the stress of life and put everything into perspective.

-Check out community classes at the local college and learn something new or interesting

-Help others struggling with addiction.

-Just search for hobby ideas in Google and go try something new. It is never too late for something new

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There is no doubt that porn addiction or any addiction for that matter, makes us feel even more alone than we felt before. The guilt, shame, and pain make us feel hopeless and unliked by others. Of course this is all a lie and the only reason we start to think like this is because we are blinded by the darkness brought about by addiction. It’s really tough to see the truth when your life is full of lies. That’s the captivity that comes with addiction. We are held captive in part by lies that we find difficult to escape. In fact this is very much a personal war.

One day I came across some training for prisoners of war (POW’s) that really helped me understand how to better fight this war on lonliness and captivity. I found it interesting that coping with an enemy to your country was very similar to coping with the enemy of your soul. So here are the coping methods I came across:

Titled “Pyschological Aspects of Captivity – Coping Methods”

Conviction of Purpose
The most important coping method is to develop conviction of purpose:

How do I fit into the “big picture” from national goals to Service objectives to the unit mission?

What personal standards am I committed to? Develop confidence in your training and professional preparation by focusing particularly on the hurdles and obstacles you have overcome to get to this point in your career.

Faith Keeping – Establish and “keep the faith” with yourself, family, Service, fellow captives, nation, and God.

Reject False Logic – It is false logic to think that survival is contingent upon compliance with captors

Recognize and resolve Conflicting Pressures – Recognize and resolve conflicting pressures from captor and self

Attitude

Positive Mental Attitude (PMA) – Keep a positive mental attitude by being stubbornly optomistic. Resist destructive thought processes. Take heart in any small victory won over captors. Overcome aversions by learning to tolerate discomfort versus demanding the circumstances change. Reduce anxiety by placing captors into patterns of predictability.

Use Directed Imagery –(Structured Daydreaming). Think about the future and positive things. Create mental exercises by inventing objects, making up stories, learning new skills, keeping a mental diary, planning escape, or anything that will keep your mind occupied in a positive manner. Do not focus on mistakes made in the past or let guilt or regrets come into play – your captors want this.

Actions

Be Engaged – An “engaged” captive is not a “passive recipient.” Being a passive recipent leads to hoplessness, helplessness, compliance, or despair (i.e., won’t try to resolve problems or improve the situation. Engaged captives will make some mistakes but they will be able to learn and bouce back.

Take Control – Focus on things within your control (daily schedule, will to resist and communication).

Internal Actions – Order your thoughts, appraise the situation, study and predict the environment(remember, your Situational Awareness is an ongoing, continual process)

External Actions – Be assertive, insist on rights under the Geneva Conventions. Commuicate health and welfare issues to captors. Be persistent.

Health and Hygiene – Improve on sanitary conditions. Get into a physical fitness routine. Develop consistent habits concerning personal health and hygiene.

Recognize Small Victories – Usually by maintaining a sense of humor and turning it against captors. This can greatly improve morale and captivity survival.

Interact with Others

Communication – Directing your focus outward towards other fellow captives helps minimize self-absorbtion, despair and linliness.

Communications brings pespective to the situation and accountability for individual captive and group actions.

Without communication, no organization can exist.

Be consistent, convincing, and persistent in your communication with captors.

Use Humor – Humor can add a positive spin to difficult situations and can raise the morale of the individual captives and the group.

Group Affiliation and Accountability – A sense of belonging to a group engenders commitment to a cause. Being held accountable is an important aspect of keeping discipline within a group. Keeping discipline is the essence of organizing individuals and groups. In addition, discipline usually leads to routine, and routine can be extremely comforting in captivity.

Organize/Strategize

Organize Routine(self and group) – Maintain a schedule(whenever possible)

A personal routine or schedule can be important as a means of gaining control over the captive’s life and the situation in captivity.

Staying occupied mentally at increments or intervals helps to break up a routine that is being forced on the captive.

Exercising regularly is essential to maintaining physical and psychological health.

Captive’s should utilize any regimen or routine they can adapt to their personal situation.

Plan and communicate regularly with fellow captives.

Strategize – For upcoming demands, prepare and rehearse in order to develop confidence. The better the group’s sense of preparedness is, the more the group’s efficiency will increase. The individual of the group can improve their sense of preparedness by setting realistic goals such as:

-Establish goals relative to the captivity envoronment and the developing situation (fatigue, sleep deprivation, etc.)
-Establish realistic expectations for yourself and others
-Focus on internal resolve and conviction of purpose

Adapt

Discomfort – Learn to tolerate discomfort. Remain focused on tasks at hand.

Overcome Aversions – To food, enviromental conditions, poor standards for health and hygiene, etc.

Flexibility – Any inflexibility by the captive will be exploited. Adapt to food language, culture, and fellow captives. Try to understand the motives without openly sympathizing or aiding in their cause.

Stay Stay Alive – Focus on your physical needs, such as food, hydration, sleep, etc.

Bounce Back – A captive should move on from mistakes made by themselves of fellow captives. Don’t dwell on mistakes.

Things to avoid

Worrying About Family – Reaffirm roles, convictions, faith, and confidence in pre-captivity preparations. Thinking about family is a source of strength for some captives. Worrying about them induces emotions and sets the captive up for failure. Remembering the good times and thinking about making them proud by returning with honor can be a great source of strength for increased will to resist.

Thinking Negatively of Self – Captives should not beat themselves down. Captives should learn from their mistakes and plan for the future.

Suicidal Thoughts – Avoid depressing thoughts of thinking about negative things that are beyond any captive’s control. Reaffirm the will to live and think about positive things to return home to.

Other Vulnerabilities – Used by captors to exploit captives. Most captives will experience symptoms of these conditions during captivity.

Captivity Dependency. Defined as the captor’s attempts to make the captive feel safer under their control and reduce the captive’s motivation to escape. The longer captives are in captivity, the more they will be conditioned and become accustomed to the captivity situation. The longer captives are in captivity, the less likely they will look for resistence and escape opportunities, unless they pursue these activities as a matter of routine.

Stockholm Syndrome. An irrational affinity with certain captors based, in part, on concessions of care or more humanizing treatment from captors.

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