08.15.07
The Good and the Bad About Sexual Addict 12 Step Programs
Sometimes, if a person is struggling enough, attending a Sexual Addicts Anonymous (SAA) meeting or 12 step meeting is necessary. I myself attended several out of a strong desire to overcome and frustration in not knowing what else to do. I attended non-denominational and denomination specific programs. I personally had mixed results. I found both positive and negative aspects of these programs. Nevertheless I would recommend these programs to anyone trying to overcome any sexual addiction such as porn addiction or masturbation.
The Good
One of the main benefits of the 12 step meetings I found was the feeling of “I’m not alone or the only one with this problem.” This was quite a relief to me as not many people are open about whether they have these problems or not.
The other benefit I found was the act of confession. Without going into too much detail everyone gets their turn to uncover their secrets. This feels great because part of what fuels addiction is secrecy. It was quite a relief and felt like I was getting a heavy weight off my shoulders.
I found people very willing to befriend and help me in the denominational group. I felt like I always had someone to talk to who would know exactly what I was going through.
The final benefit I got from these meetings was accountability. I knew if I made a mistake I would have to report it to the group the next time I went in. They had these colored chips that were given to people for abstaining for certain lengths of time, the minimum chip being a one month chip.
The Bad
The bad things are what made me stop going to these meetings. Keep in mind these are just my opinions and you won’t necessarily feel the same. The other reason I stopped going could have been because of distance and laziness but those are not very good excuses.
The number one negative thing I found with these meetings was the labels. Every meeting begins with every person stating their name and then stating they are an addict. For example, “My name is Joe and I am a porn addict.” First of all, this just didn’t feel right to say in front of all those people. Second of all, yes I may be struggling with porn but repeating that phrase certainly doesn’t give me hope of being something better. I agree with admitting problems but not labeling myself as a porn addict every meeting. This just doesn’t help my identity or self-esteem.
The second thing was the confession. Though it felt good to get it all out, it also felt bad telling that many people about something private that was in no way injurious to them personally. I am under the belief that confession should only be unto those who have been harmed. Besides, some of these meetings were coed and that just felt even more weird.
The third problem was some people were giving too much detail when it was their turn to confess. I found this to be a trigger for addiction rather than helpful. In the beginning of the meeting people are told not to be too descriptive but inevitably people slip up. That doesn’t make the whole program bad but I didn’t like it.
The last thing I had difficultly with was there seemed to be no exit strategy. It seemed to me that I was almost expected to attend these meetings for an undefined amount of time if I expected to remain sober. There was one guy, while being a great strength to the group, who was sober for almost two years I think and was still attending these meetings. However, while I was attending, he had a relapse. I couldn’t help but wonder if his continual attendance, despite his success, had caused this relapse. I believe that when a person gets to a point where they are sober and confident for say a couple months then they need to move on and live their life instead of continually dwelling on the worry that they may slip up again. Part of the problem with addiction is thinking too much about addiction.
Conclusion
All that being said I really think that these 12 step sexual addiction meetings are great for people who are just beginning the process of overcoming their addiction. I also think that after you begin to feel confident enough to work without the group then you should move on. However, every person is different and if you feel like you really need to stay in the group longer then of course that is your decision. These programs are a great option and resource for those struggling. Just be careful and make sure it is actually helping and not making things worse. All these programs are not created equal and you may have to try a few different ones until you find one you are comfortable with. 
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Rob said,
10.21.07 at 10:27 pm
Hello,
I just read this page about SAA. I agree with the points on not having an exit strategy. I’ve been to several dozen SAA meetings over the last few years, and realize that some members have been there for 3 or more years. If I am abstinent for a year, I’d say I’m pretty close to being cured of my addiction. The catch for many, I think, is that they don’t find a better way to live. They think that they have to come to these meetings forever, and will always be an addict. I don’t believe this.
I think some of these people don’t realize that, although the higher power of the group can provide support at crucial times, they still have to have some control, as we all can’t be at a meeting 24/7. I think there needs to be more of an emphasis on finding that other way to live, and doing it. I wonder who the author of the SAA piece is, and if they will respond directly to me, or just post a message.
Well, it was a good, insightful read,
Rob,
Santa Ana
Renee said,
12.26.07 at 10:25 am
Here I am at 4:30 in the morning and all the memories have resurfaced. This is not my first discovery but one of many. I had thought/hoped the problem with porn was a memory of the not so distant past. What a Christmas present, I was just looking at my lap top (which my husband has become quit attached to lately). I discovered by looking at the history (which he apparently forgot to clear) that he had again been looking at these horrible porn sites. I approached him about it this Christmas night and was just dismissed. He was ready for bed and I was just keeping him up. He didn’t have to explain anything to me. What am I to do. I am middle-aged and this has been going on for most of my married life. I am not an advicate of divorce except under the event of infidelity. I know….I believe lusting after someone else is a form of infidelity. I know there is no real answer that I can live with. I have felt so alone and verbally and mentally abused for years. It’s our dirty little sectet. I hate living this way. I see others who are obviously in love and I just ache. I long for someone just to actually talk to. He only talks if there is a need. As for sex, I noticed a problem within the first six months of marriage. He stayed up late and I went to bed alone. That’s not normal. Of course the man is usually always the bread winner in the family and that is the case here. There is a lot of dependance as far as money, insurance, a home, a certain life-style. I just hate to think I have another 30 to 40 years left living this way. I threatened divorce at one time and was apparently quite convincing. I was told he would stop….wrong. I am just venting since I can’t sleep and I don’t have anyone else to share with now or anytime. We went to a councelor years ago and he said my husband was addicted to pornography. However, it seems he to being male I was over-ruled in some of my thoughts. Well, I guess I have taken enough of someone’s time if this is even ever read. I really hate my life at this point and ….. Well, I better go for now.
bill said,
12.29.07 at 8:41 am
i was introduced to porn at 6 years old. even now i remember vividly the sex scene from the porno that i saw 25 years ago. porn and masturbation has been a curse to me and my family. i found my fathers porn collection my children found mine. how can i tell my sons how to stop. if i cant. my wife left today with my 2 youngest sons. i have lost my everthing. i stopped masturbating last year around this time. and i went a full four months without doing it. i did not attend a twele step program. it was will power i guess. at this very moment, i dont know what to do. masturbation is not a drug u can buy. its not “illegal”. my genitals and hands are everywhere i go. i cant run and hide from myself. i am tired of masturbating.i need help. i dont need porn. i have enough pornogrphy images in my head to last a life time. help me. sometims i feel like the only way to stop is castration. then what good would i be to my wife.
Sam said,
02.04.08 at 5:39 pm
I can see wanting to quit if you have a partner and the masturbating and porn is interfering with the relationship. But what if you’re not in a relationship and have little chance of ever being in one? Quitting to be completely celibate is not much of a motivation. The pressure builds up over time. Without any kind of release I don’t think I could do it (quit)
Arthur said,
02.07.08 at 6:20 am
Masturbation addiction is very real. Today I did nothing but masturbate. As a college student, I don’t have the time or energy to invest in masturbation. I have thought for far too long that masturbation can control me. But now I know I can control my masturbation and pornography addictions. I am going to remove all pornography from my life, and am going to keep a schedule of the days I do masturbate. I don’t need a twelve step program. I only need the determination to conquer some of my most private addictions. Tomorrow I am going to wake up refreshed. I am going to wake up, want to masturbate, and in turn, convert that motivational energy towards doing something else. Everytime I crave looking up pornography, or want to masturbate, I’m going to do something different. I’m NOT letting this take control of me. I will stay positive, and win.
Sean A. said,
03.12.08 at 4:00 pm
Porn addiction is too strong to tackle alone. SAA and SLAA is resource to realize you are not alone. There are many people struggling without the knowledge that there are others who can help. I put together a site to help others who are struggling with porn addiction to get answers http://porn-addiction-recovery.com