Addiction Codependency Through Two Marriages

In: Addiction| Marriage| Masturbation Addiction| Pornography Addiction

When I first realized, or better yet, was told I had an addiction to pornography I really didn’t think too much of it. I thought that I needed to stop but I didn’t feel it was something I needed to stop immediately. I really felt that it wasn’t a big problem and it would just go away when I got married. By the way, I was married twice. Anyway, I had the porn addiction  right up until the day I got married and then it wasn’t a problem for awhile, maybe a few months.

After a few months of being married the addiction came back. The truth is it never went anywhere. I had a computer and internet access and an internet connection and before I knew it I once again had an overwhleming urge to look at filth. I didn’t understand why this was happening since I was so convinced I would not need to look at this stuff when I got married. My addiction actually got worse, especailly as access to free pornography on the internet increased. About one year into my marriage I broke down and admitted to my wife that I had a serious problem. She was shocked, confused, and hurt but she wanted to understand and help me. I felt relieved that she knew the truth and thought that everything would be better from now on.

My wife was so sweet and patient and tried her best to help me but really didn’t understand the addiction and didn’t know there such thing as a pornography addiction. Her first thoughts understandably were, “Am I not beautiful enough for him” and “Why don’t you just stop?” She purchased a book for me titled, “Pornography; The Drug of the New Mellenium”, which to this date has been the most comprehensive read on the subject for me. I read it and learned about SAA 12 Step programs. I started attending those but that didn’t last very long since it felt very akward to me.

Unfortunately I needed celibacy for a period of time but that was not possible with the sexual appetite that I had created. It was virtually impossible for me to not have sex with my wife because I could not even control those urges before marriage. My wife needed to feel wanted more than the pornography and so stopping intamacy was out of the question. I would have periods of success of not looking at pornography but my sexual urges were being satisfied with my wife instead of being controlled. I did not know this at the time. The only time I had success was when I was depending on my marriage to satisfy my addictive urges. This wouldn’t last long though, maybe a week or two, then I was no longer satisfied and needed something more stimulating. My wife was a beautiful woman but she could not compete with an ever increasing addictive appetite for constantly new images of other women. She shouldn’t have had to compete. I should have been strong before our marriage but instead I was unfaithful and ended the marriage.

After our divorce I decided to stop my addiction and get strong before ever getting married again. I spent a couple years doing just the opposite. Not to say I didn’t try but I tried the wrong way. I didn’t have the right knowledge or tools to have any long term success. So continued to repeat my one to two week cycles of success and failure, sometimes completely giving up and going on a binge. I eventually started drinking as well to dull the pain of my mistakes. Then I finally started to make some serious progress. I started running and started writing a journal. However I was still drinking. I didn’t care so much about that though since pornography had led me to drink. I just knew that if I stopped looking at pornography I could stop anything. There was some truth to that but I once again missed an important factor. I had about a month or two of success but I was drinking during that time and the alcohol was compensating somewhat for what the pornography wasn’t doing. Not only that, but alcohol decreases the body’s ability to be aroused and so I was only temporarily dampening the urges. I was depending on alcohol for my success. I didn’t know this fact at the time though and became very confident from my month or two of success. So confident in fact, that I felt ready to get married again. However, I stopped drinking before I got married. This combined with kissing too passionately during courtship caused me to turn to my addictions again.

This time was worse. I got married and once again the pornography addiction went dorment for only a few months before I started again. This time I not only looked at pornography but I started drinking again. This marriage ended quickly as we both felt we would not progress in love. I knew I could not overcome my addictions while being married and she was very unhappy and unmotivated around me.

As soon as we were separated I started to become sober from my addictions again. One day I went to a friends house to talk and began to vent about my frustrations from my divorces and addictions. He, being a former alcoholic himself, said, “There’s something unwritten in the 12 Step program called the 13th Step. Have you heard of it?” I said, “No, what is it?” He said, “When you are becoming sober and start to have success you need to give yourself some time, like 6 to 12 months, before you get into a relationship and start having sex in place of the good feelings you were having during your addiction.” I was definitely intrigued and decided to look up this so called 13th Step and see what it was all about. The main definition I got from my searches was that it is a period of time for the recovering addict to gain independant strength before depending on someone else for their strength. This was it! This was one of the things that was keeping me back! I could not understand at the time but that’s exactly what I was feeling when I was married. This was definitely not the core of my problems but it was definitely something that was delaying my progress.

So after my second divorce I made a firm decision to not repeat the same mistake again but instead make sure I was independantly strong before I got married again. Now that I had taken the codependency factor out of my addictions I could concentrate on the all the other factors.

I do not mean to say that if you are married you need to get a divorce and get strong. No, I’m not saying that at all. That’s the way it happened for me. I’ve know people who were still married but decided to take a break from sex to give themselves time to get strong. Whatever you decide is between you and your spouse. If you feel you can overcome your addiction while still having sex then that is up to you. Not everyone is the same in this process.

I will say that I firmly believe that those who are unmarried at this time should get strong before marriage otherwise the outcome can easily be predicted. This is especially true if you have both a pornography and masturbation addiction. You don’t have to be perfect, just not addicted.

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11 Comments

1. Personal Stories of Change Blog Carnival: Edition 3 » I will change your life . com on 15.08.2007 at 03:48

   [...] presents Pornography and Masturbation Addiction posted at New Life [...]

2. Mark on 10.09.2007 at 13:43 (Reply)

   I second this article and i also believe personal prayer can help u to be more focused and enjoy the better things in life.
   There is so much life has to offer but a person addicted to masturbation and pornography is like a bird who is in an open cage and just does not want to break free.
   God bless and give strength to all who want to give up thier addictions.

3. Lynn on 04.02.2009 at 13:54 (Reply)

   I came across this website seeking to find help for my husband, we have been married for 19 years. I had no idea my husband was addicted, untill we started a buisness together . My husband has had 2 long term marital affairs that I know of, been caught on his cell phone leaving phone sex, and has even met girls out and told them he was going thru a divorce, needless to say my husband looks at porn a lot more than I realized, and has lost very good high paying jobs. he currently has a new job and called a friend in panic to clear his computer, because if the company found it, he would be fired. We have 15 year old twin boys, and I tried to get him help, He’s made me feel so cheated, and alone , and unloved. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.!!

   1. rebecca kirby on 25.06.2009 at 19:34 (Reply)

      Hello! I read your article today and it touched me! Im in tears now because im with you. I’ve only been married four years to my husband. He’s my first. The first year after we got married I started noticing things. Bank satements came and he was spending money over the phone for phone sex. That went on for two years. That I know of. Looking at porn on the internet, calling chat lines and had one relationship that I know of. Still to this day if he’s left home alone he’s always on the internet looking. I look at his computer later. This is just really hard for me. When I first starting realizing all this I was pregnant. Now my son is 3yrs old. I keep hanging on and praying about it. I just don’t know how to help him. He won’t talk about it. He’s acts like nothing wrong. It kills me inside. It’s like he living another life.

4. michelle on 15.02.2009 at 18:31 (Reply)

   I also have a husband that needs help. He lies every time I find papertowels and dirty shirts and its hard for me because we have 2 babies together. I look great for having two kids but he rather go to porn instead of me and when we have sex I just feel used and I cry after cause I know he only did it cause he’s married to me. I feel like leaving him but have no place to go with two babies if anyone can help please I just need advice!

5. Denise on 16.02.2009 at 20:12 (Reply)

   I needed to understand this addiction. I was married to a man with a
   herion addiction, and I was delivered from pain pills and marijuana since1995. I understand addiction, I needed to understand porn addiciton.
   This entire site has helped me so much. Knowledge is power. I want to
   help the man I am very close to now. It is funny, I want to get married and
   he does too, but I never understood the magitude of his addiction, since
   I had no knowledge of it. It truly is like the others, it is simply his drug of
   choice. He does not drink or smoke. He has no other addictions of that
   nature.. However he really like to shop for nice suits and now I can see how
   that can cut the urge. I am a strong believer in the word of God and so
   is he. I know that God lead me to this site so I could have some insight
   as to what I am dealing with, and then apply God’s power to help him.
   Thank you. I will continue to read and gain more knowledge that can help meto help him. I know now why marriage is for later.

6. steve on 03.03.2009 at 22:26 (Reply)

   After years of suspecting that I had a porn/masturbation addiction, I have begun looking for help/resources on the topic. This article is frighteningly accurate to what I am going through. This addiction has caused me to seek a divorce with a woman who truly loves me because, like the author, I don’t believe that I can truly heal while in any kind of relationship. I WILL OVERCOME THIS! Thank you for the inspiration,

7. decipher on 24.03.2009 at 08:05 (Reply)

   right now,im on the level of pornography addiction and masturbation that I could not control..I’ve always have this relapse everytime I stop my addiction..thanks to this site and particularly this article,I gain more knowledge about this plague of pornography and masturbation especially that I’m on a current relationship with my girlfriend Rose Ann..getting married is a God’s gift and I know that He has better plan for me..I will overcome this addiction before planning to have marriage..

8. decipher on 24.03.2009 at 09:50 (Reply)

   awesome article!!! It truly inspire me a lot especially that I’m weak against this addiction..internet pornography and masturbation ruins a God given gift of marriage..God bless to the author

9. rik on 05.05.2009 at 13:26 (Reply)

   This article rings quite true for me. I left my long time girlfriend because I couldn’t face being with her night after night. I wanted action and adventure and excitement, yet for all that, it was the desperate need for a rush, for a high, for illicit sex, drugs and alcohol.
   There really are only two options - either you quit it all and go straight (recovery) or carry on as you are making yourself and other people miserable as you go.
   It might be fun, but it’s a waste of your energy, good health, reputation and spiritual karma.
   If I wasn’t so deeply in debt, I would stop spending too.

10. Gwen on 24.06.2009 at 18:48 (Reply)

    I am a wife of a porn and masturbation addictive person. The subject has come up a couple of time the past 2-3 years. He acted loudly and defensively so we did not get very far. Recently we got into a deeper conversation re: this. he did not believe me that it was an addiction until I sent him this web site. Now he has joined Candeo to try to get help. My problems is I feel lonely, abandoned, unattractive, ugly, old and fat as well as unwanted and dis-respected.. I really do not like him anymore and really am struggling to stay inlove with him. I want a divorce but I am hangin on to see if I can gain my feelings back for him. I have lost all respect for him because when I tried to talk to him about how much I was hurting he only yelled and defended his actions. He really acted as if he had no emotions or remorse about the way he had caused to me to feel. Today I am having a really bad day. I am in tears and depressed. I need a break from him and really do not know if I can ever get over this, but I want to get over it. I need help in the worse way. I understand addiction as I am a nurse and have worked as a re-hab nurse before. I minored in psychology in college but guess when its you that thats geeting hurt puts a different prospective on things. I can’t think straight because the hurt is consuming.

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